The GOP Has an Epiphany, and Finds Its’ Perfect Speaker of the House.

(The longest tenured GOP House Speaker in US History, Dennis Hastert, pictured in 1976 after the Yorkville, Illinois, Boys Wrestling Team which he coached, won the State title. Forty years later, Hastert, would serve time in prison for being a “serial child molester,” for having sex with some of the boys on his team. One team member molested by Hastert, the Equipment Manager Steve Reinboldt — whom Hastert credited with being his “right hand man” on the Championship team — died of AIDS in 1995. Dennis Hastert still lives in Illinois, and turns 81 next week.)

’Twas 12 days after Christmas,

And all through the House,

All the GOPers were screaming,

To elect their Chief Louse.

Some candidates were hung

On Pence scaffolds with care,

In hopes that the pallbearers,

Soon would be there.

The Democrats were nestled,

All snug in their seats,

While visions of a new 1/6 bloodbath,

Danced in the streets.

Paul Ryan in his pajamas,

John Boehner in his cap,

Had just settled down

For their long, rich men’s naps.

When on the House floor

There arose such a clatter;

They turned on Fox News

To see what was the matter.

It was that little old terror,

So cuddly and cute,

They knew in a moment

It must be St. Newt.

“Now, JORDAN! Now KEVIN;

Now, ROY COHN & NIXON!

On, SCALISE! On GREENE GAETZ!

On BANNON, and VIXEN!”

“To the top of the Capitol,

To spread poop on the walls,

Oops, we did that 2 years ago,”

St. Newt said to all.

And then, in a twinkling,

They heard in the Rotunda,

A rumble so loud,

It came from the Ground Under.

They sucked in their breath,

Ready for ANY bastard,

When out from Foggy Bottom,

Emerged Denny Hastert.

He was dressed all in fur,

From his white head to his feet,

The longest serving GOP Speaker —

Now, Isn’t THIS sweet!

He’s from the Midwest,

A Wrestling Coach, too!

And, best of all, for QAnon,

He’s not Black, Gay, nor Jew!

So what if he was jailed,

As a “serial child molester?”

He was an Evangelical Christian,

Who resembled Uncle Fester.

Hastert spoke not a word,

And went straight to his work;

He mounted the dais,

And ground out a giant twerk!

He was just who they needed

To lead with a smile;

A tested, re-elected,

Imprisoned Pedophile!

He sprang to the Speakers post,

To his team’s whoops and whistles;

Hastert was back on top!

Let all those Libs bristle!

Then, we heard him exclaim,

While they gave him the gavel —

“I’ve served time for my crimes —

There’s nothing left to unravel!”

So, on the 12th Day of Christmas,

It was a GOPiphany, of sorts;

Their thick-skinned new Speaker,

Bore all their own ugly worts.